


Comfort in Understanding

by LaughingFreak



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dark, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, Vague flashbacks, finding healing, learning to heal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 02:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15719664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaughingFreak/pseuds/LaughingFreak
Summary: There are some things that are too hard to share with others, but Shiro and Allura find that comfort in each other.





	Comfort in Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> I really like how this turned out, I really do. This is mostly the beginning of a very close friendship without the romance being involved, but you can look at it as pre-relationship if you wanted. It's not my intention, but do what you want.

Sleep didn’t come easy for him on most nights and tonight was no different. Whether it was night or not couldn’t really be told considering they were out in space, but it was time that the paladins allotted for a sleep cycle.

For Shiro, though, the quiet and illuminated darkness of the ship only led to restless nights filled with nightmares. Most of the time he didn’t remember them, but he would still wake up gasping or choking back a scream, of sweat moistening his skin, and heart pounding against his chest. Though his memories of the dreams of the past faded into the darkness from which it came his body would not forget, trembling and pain lashing from beneath his skin. Those nights were impossible for him to go back to sleep on.

This was one of those nights where he could still feel the sheering pain under his skin, as if every scar was reopening anew. Ears ringing as if there was screaming and cries for mercy that he could never pinpoint or had to ignore. His hands though clean felt sticky and the color of crimson would appear and disappear at random as his vision hazed in and out of reality. Sometimes he couldn’t wash his hands enough and wished that he could rip out his mechanical arm in disgust.

The times where he woke and couldn’t move, where he thought he was strapped down again and couldn’t scream in terror were the worst. When he would finally be able to move and realize that he was safe and no one was trying to hurt him he’d curl in on himself muffle his sobs in his pillow. In those rarer moments a bit of memory would trickle through and he would hate himself and refuse to look in the mirror for days unless he absolutely had to do so.

He ran a trembling hand through his hair and let out a shaky breath, telling himself to not think about it. Not now. There were only a few hours left for him to get his act together before the others woke up to start their new day; he had to get himself together for them.

Down the hall, as he looked up, Shiro saw light coming from inside a room. Steadying himself, he straightened and made his way to see who was up. The closer he got the more he heard a muffled sound that he missed when he was standing further down the hall.

At first he didn’t know what it was, but once he heard it more clearly the closer he got Shiro knew. Someone was crying, muffling it as much as they could. It sounded almost…feminine and the only difference in tone he could tell this by was from the choked sobs that turned to a soft whine. At first he thought it might have been Katie, but she would be in her room sleeping and he wasn’t anywhere near where she slept at.

The only other possibility would mean…the princess.

Shiro wasn’t sure if he’d be welcomed or if his presence would be appreciated, but he couldn’t, in good conscious, leave her in her misery without trying to comfort her. So he decided to brave possibly upsetting her and knocked on the door frame to the room.

The room itself was dimly lit and a large bed was against the back wall, a vanity against the wall closest to the door. In one corner was a chaise with a blanket with a couple pillows. In the middle of the room was an Altean designed rug, he assumed at least, and a large ottoman. The colors of the room matched the light colors that the princess wore on her dresses and battlesuit.

It was on the ottoman where the princess sat, staring up in surprise at Shiro standing in the doorway. She wiped her eyes and sat up straight and even though her eyes were red she still had all the regality of a princess. If he hadn’t just heard her crying and hadn’t seen the tear stains or the red puffiness around her eyes then maybe he’d believe it, but he knew better. He knew she was barely holding it together just like him and that it was just a face.

“Shiro? What are you doing up?” she asked, voice steady despite the fact that he could see her hands tightening together on her lap.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he said. The smile he gave her was tired, but no less sincere. “Would you like some company?”

The question seemed to through her off and she was conflicted on what was proper or improper to say for this situation. “I—”

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I just figured you’d like to have someone around to feel less…alone, I guess, but if you want me to go then I will,” said Shiro, carefully stopping her from hopefully outright denying the idea. To be honest, he needed to be around someone just as much as she probably did right now.

She pursed her lips and looked down at the hands clasped tightly together on her lap before giving an equally tired smile. “Of course, thank you for the offer, I’d…appreciate it.”

The tightness in his shoulders loosened a bit and he was surprised that waiting for her answer made him tense without him noticing. “It’s not a problem, Princess.” He paused for a second then carried on, shutting the door behind him as he made his way over to her. She scooted over a bit to give him room to sit next to her.

It was quiet between them for a while. At first it was tense in awkwardness, neither sure whether to break silence or not with whatever talk they could come up with, but it eventually carried into something more comfortable. Shiro humming a song quietly to himself was pretty much the icebreaker even when he didn’t try to be.

The song itself was one that had plenty of memories from his time on earth with it. He heard it sung and hummed so many times in so many different circumstances. But at the same time it was bittersweet.

“It sounds lovely,” the princess said quietly, staring at Shiro with a soft expression.

Shiro gave a short laugh. “Thanks. I used to hear it a lot at home before I left.” Don’t think about it.

She went quiet for a moment and he began to worry that maybe he said something wrong until she spoke, her voice so quiet he would have had to strain to hear it if he wasn’t sitting right next to her. “Shiro, can I ask you a question? Without judgment?”

That got him straightening in his seat and turning to give her his full attention. “Of course, I’m all ears.”

“Do…do you ever regret being alive?” she asked.

She wasn’t even looking at him, staring down at her hands that had once finally relaxed went back to clenching, and it was like a kick in the gut. The question hurt in all the ways that some would find hard to understand, but was something he wondered if he deserved to have every day.

Not knowing if Sam or Matt were alive and well, dead somewhere in deep space had Shiro looking in the mirror every day wondering if he deserved to be walking free and alive. Whenever he looked at Katie and saw her deflate and hide away at every false lead and getting no closer to her family it felt like another load of failure, and he wondered if she would be happier to have them over him here with her.

He wondered and wondered all the time, but did he regret living?

He swallowed the urge to jump to his feet and excuse himself from the room, to hide away. It hurt because that simple question was such a loaded one. When her eyes, blue and simmering with sincerity and earnestness, as if saying ‘ _I can’t be the only one, right_ ’, he knew he had to answer he honestly.

And that maybe this honesty and openness was something he needed as well. “Some days more than others,” he said, voice steady even as he began to fret internally.

Those words opened the flood gates and each word she said he understand on such a level that he wanted to cry. “It should be my father here, not me,” she said, tears building up in her eyes again, “I wish that I could be dead in his place because he was too good for the universe to lose.” She covered her hand as a sob escaped and a tear ran down her cheek. “It’s so hard to get up from sleep some days and sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake at all.”

She broke down in uncontrollable sobs, covering her face into her hands as her shoulders shook with each ragged breath. Shiro didn’t hesitate to scoot closer to her and wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her to his side. Her rubbed her arm and held her close.

God did he understand, he understood so well. Just talking to the princess you knew she was upset and missing her family and her people, it was all but obvious, however, he never it ran so deep to be survivor’s guilt. There were signs, he should have caught them, should have known sooner.

But apparently he was so stuck on himself that he subconsciously chose to ignore the obvious signs. It made him hate himself a little more, as if he needed help with that.

He swallowed the lump in the back of his throat and said, “My memories are flaky at best, but what I do remember makes me hate myself sometimes. Gives me nightmares so vivid and real that I don’t always realize I’m not there anymore. Sometimes I think it would be easier to disappear, but I could never bring myself to do something so selfish.”

“Does it ever get easier?” she asked, wiping away her tears and looking up at him.

“I—I haven’t exactly reached that point yet, but, yeah, eventually,” he said. “It’s a work in progress, but I still have more rough days than good right now.”

“I understand the feeling.” She laid her head on his shoulder and sniffled. “It’s so hard.”

“I know.” Shiro stroked her hair.

She took his hand in hers and held on tight. “Will you help me?”

There was a near desperation to her voice. She obviously didn’t want to worry Coran with these thoughts, dark as they were, when he already was worried about her as is. Without him to lean on completely, of her own choice, she had no one else to turn to.

However, Shiro understood her on all too well on this. Maybe she had the right idea, leaning on each other might help them heal.

So he said the only thing that felt right. “We’ll help each other.”

They spent the rest of their hours talking quietly to each other, both with tears and without. When time came for the others to wake they went their separate ways and hid behind the pillars that their team needed.

This time with the knowledge that they had each other to fall back on.


End file.
